Christmas 1994...David and I have been in the Atlanta/Roswell area for almost 6 months and are looking for a church where we fit. After attending services at a couple of very large churches in the area, we are beginning to think we'll never find a church and will have to continue to travel back and forth to Pine Mountain, GA every weekend. I keep passing a church on the way to work each day and decide that we should try it.
It worked almost from the very first Sunday. We felt at home with the size of the congregation, I joined a Disciple Bible study class, we both liked the preacher...we decided to stay for a while. As we began to get to know people I began to feel called to work with teenagers and children and so began a LONG association with the leadership of the church. David and I became youth counselors, worked with children pretty regularly, sang in the choir, and I even agreed to chair a committee. From there David and I continued to serve at the church, becoming the Lay Leader (David) and the Director of Children's Ministries (me). Did I also mention that I also worked at the Preschool? Yep, as Director!
As we became more and more involved, the congregation became our 'family away from family.' Neither of us had family in Atlanta-some of our relatives lived farther away than others, but none were closer than 2 hours away. We were grateful that we had this group of friends/family who would support us, challenge us, celebrate with us, cry with us, pray with us and, most importantly, worship God with us. I, especially, delighted in their kids--celebrating girl/boy friends, passing tests, growing up! I grew closer and closer to the parents as we reached out to the youth at the church. I knew the struggles they were having...many times from both sides of the coin! I prayed and prayed and prayed for the parents to have the wisdom, grace and mercy necessary to be a parent and for the children to understand and to listen to their parents-to given them the benefit of the doubt.
One of the hardest decisions David and I made was to give up being youth counselors. We knew that we would be starting our family-knew that adopting Matthew was in the works...and we knew that it wouldn't be fair to the youth or to the new little person in our family to continue to try to juggle being counselors with being parents of a very small person. So David moved into more adult-centered ministry and I moved into areas of ministry that centered around children. And what a fun time we had! It was challenging, certainly-we both had to move outside of our comfort zones-but we had a church family there to hold us up and to help us out.
I did not realize then how difficult it would be to be on staff at a church. I think this holds true for any church-not just the one we attended. The constant demand to be 'at work' any time you are on campus - to be accessible all the time even though you are supposed to have time to worship, too. And the level of expectation that becomes more than any one person can ever live up to--do you tattoo "I am only a person and I am not perfect" across your forehead so that when you screw up you can remind people that you are doing the very best you can? Anyway, as I progressed into this job as Director of Children's Ministries, more and more I was feeling pulled in too many directions and going to church equalled going to work (and not in a good way). I began to pray earnestly for wisdom and the courage to see it through-wherever it took me.
Through an icky and ridiculously messy series of circumstances, David and I made the decision that I should resign my position on staff at the church, remaining in my position at the preschool. It turned out that we also decided to leave the church itself, which was not the original intent of our first decision. We thought we would try to figure it out-how to stay at the church even though I wasn't on staff anymore. But as things sometimes go, that was not to be. I look back now (it's been about 6 months) and I think we would still be at another church by this point. It might have been a little cleaner and a little more of a gracious exit, but we still would have left. Even now, it's just too hard to be there-and it's not just hard on us. It's hard on the congregation who know us and know our strengths/weaknesses. How do you say 'I'm not involved in that any longer-go ask someone else' nicely on a regular basis? But that's what it comes down to-forcing yourself to step back and allow someone else to do what God is calling them to do without your interference.
The worst part of it all is the loss of friends. I thought the idea of losing my church family would be tough (and it is), but the friendships that I fear cannot be repaired are the hardest part of it all. There are relationships there that took years to develop that I can only hope one day will be healed enough to talk about this journey. The cold shoulders and the refusal to meet my eyes hurt more than words ever could. And I am as guilty of doing it as those who are doing it to us now. I hated it when people left the congregation to move on to where they felt God was calling them to be and I didn't want even to talk to them when they'd come back for fish-fries or blood drives, etc. You know, what goes around comes around and sometimes that just sucks. I continue to pray for the opportunity to get past all this, for time to heal, for the assurance that the right decisions were made and most of all, for compassion and empathy for everyone concerned. I miss my friends-I miss the ones I thought of as family-and I grieve for that loss.
