Trust...

I've just gotten home from a staff retreat and had something stick with me I'd like to explore for a moment.

Overall the retreat was a good time of fellowship and planning, dreaming and prioritizing...and...clearing the air a little. The church is beginning to rebound from a couple of years of turmoil and agony-with many, many hurt feelings and betrayals all thrown in the mix. As we were talking about the last few years, one thing kept repeating in my mind...trust, trust, trust. How do we break it? And then does that impact the way we restore it or can it ever truly be restored?

Trust can be broken between two people, between two groups of people, between a group and an individual. It can be broken quickly and sometimes irrevocably-like a rock through a windshield. The issue is huge and it leaves nothing behind except millions of pieces of shattered glass. I think of adultery and spousal betrayal with this one - you almost have to start over completely to rebuild the marriage and the trust; you can't just glue it or tape it back together.

Sometimes trust is broken slowly and it fractures in ways we can't even begin to see or feel until it's too late. We've all had occasions where a friend tells another friend something about us or someone says something to you that just rubs the wrong way or feels wrong. That starts a small fissure...a tiny little place where doubt about the person can get in and damage a part of the relationship. Once we allow that little bit of doubt in, other small cracks begin to form due to careless comments, jokes, rumors, etc. Things that would have been overlooked before now have a place to take hold which makes the fissure larger and more spread out. Often we are not even aware of it - we may not even notice that we find no pleasure being around the group or the person. Eventually, though, that crack will become so widespread that the structure of the relationship cannot remain complete. Without a few hard conversations and a lot of prayerful consideration of our own part in the mess, the relationship will fall apart.

In both cases, the relationship is destroyed or damaged beyond human repair. Does it matter which way the trust is destroyed when you decide to try to become reconciled again? Is it easier to repair a million little cracks or to just start over? In the first case one has almost no choice. No amount of glue can put an entire windshield back together. If you wanted to recycle the glass, you'd have to melt it down and reshape it into the windshield. When a relationship is damaged so severely, it may be that the only way to repair it is to melt it down, have the hard conversations, and slowly reform it into something even stronger and better than it was before. Difficult work to be sure, but worth it in the end.

In the case of all the tiny fractures and fissures, repair seems easier if you recognize the cracks and are willing to acknowledge them when they occur. As humans we say and do things that fracture and destroy others' trust in us...as Christians we are called to listen and respond in a Godly way when that betrayal is held up to the mirror of our soul. Sometimes that will mean apologizing not for the action, but for the pain it caused. Sometimes it will mean apologizing for the action and the hurt. As Christians we must forgive even if we can't reconcile, even if we can't let the hurt go. For me, forgiveness takes time-it takes an effort not to hold a grudge, to consciously forgive every day and sometimes every minute of every day until I truly can forgive and can let God take over.