Trust...

I've just gotten home from a staff retreat and had something stick with me I'd like to explore for a moment.

Overall the retreat was a good time of fellowship and planning, dreaming and prioritizing...and...clearing the air a little. The church is beginning to rebound from a couple of years of turmoil and agony-with many, many hurt feelings and betrayals all thrown in the mix. As we were talking about the last few years, one thing kept repeating in my mind...trust, trust, trust. How do we break it? And then does that impact the way we restore it or can it ever truly be restored?

Trust can be broken between two people, between two groups of people, between a group and an individual. It can be broken quickly and sometimes irrevocably-like a rock through a windshield. The issue is huge and it leaves nothing behind except millions of pieces of shattered glass. I think of adultery and spousal betrayal with this one - you almost have to start over completely to rebuild the marriage and the trust; you can't just glue it or tape it back together.

Sometimes trust is broken slowly and it fractures in ways we can't even begin to see or feel until it's too late. We've all had occasions where a friend tells another friend something about us or someone says something to you that just rubs the wrong way or feels wrong. That starts a small fissure...a tiny little place where doubt about the person can get in and damage a part of the relationship. Once we allow that little bit of doubt in, other small cracks begin to form due to careless comments, jokes, rumors, etc. Things that would have been overlooked before now have a place to take hold which makes the fissure larger and more spread out. Often we are not even aware of it - we may not even notice that we find no pleasure being around the group or the person. Eventually, though, that crack will become so widespread that the structure of the relationship cannot remain complete. Without a few hard conversations and a lot of prayerful consideration of our own part in the mess, the relationship will fall apart.

In both cases, the relationship is destroyed or damaged beyond human repair. Does it matter which way the trust is destroyed when you decide to try to become reconciled again? Is it easier to repair a million little cracks or to just start over? In the first case one has almost no choice. No amount of glue can put an entire windshield back together. If you wanted to recycle the glass, you'd have to melt it down and reshape it into the windshield. When a relationship is damaged so severely, it may be that the only way to repair it is to melt it down, have the hard conversations, and slowly reform it into something even stronger and better than it was before. Difficult work to be sure, but worth it in the end.

In the case of all the tiny fractures and fissures, repair seems easier if you recognize the cracks and are willing to acknowledge them when they occur. As humans we say and do things that fracture and destroy others' trust in us...as Christians we are called to listen and respond in a Godly way when that betrayal is held up to the mirror of our soul. Sometimes that will mean apologizing not for the action, but for the pain it caused. Sometimes it will mean apologizing for the action and the hurt. As Christians we must forgive even if we can't reconcile, even if we can't let the hurt go. For me, forgiveness takes time-it takes an effort not to hold a grudge, to consciously forgive every day and sometimes every minute of every day until I truly can forgive and can let God take over.

To the Only One Who Can Work This Out...

Most Precious and Holy God,

Thank for gifting me with a vocation, a calling...rather than just a job. Thank for putting in a place where I can share your love with others. I cherish the smiles, the hugs, the thank-yous, the peace I see in the eyes of new parents as they entrust their children to us.

Lord, you alone are powerful enough and wise enough to really make a difference with the situations at work. Anytime you have people working together there is always conflict of some kind. Help us, Lord. Help us to be bold enough and courageous enough to not gossip about one another - to confront each other with gentleness and mercy when we have offended each other. It is especially hard, I think, to work in an environment that is comprised of only women. The more I exist in this kind of work-place, the more awe I have in your creation; that you created men and women to be counterparts, to be complimentary, to be in balance.

I am tired, Father. I am tired of the bickering, the back-biting, the ugliness of some of my staff at work. I am tired of knowing, but not knowing because no one will come to me, where the problems lie. Help me to be strong here; to be courageous enough myself to do whatever you would have me do to create a more peaceful workplace. Lord, there may be a couple of tough decisions that have to be made in the next few weeks--grant me wisdom to know what you would have me do and then remind me that You will never give me more than I can handle. Help me to reside in you always-to be ever-aware of how You would have me act and react; to be graceful; to be merciful; to be forgiving...even when I don't want to.

Holy God, my strength lies in You. It is so hard to be in charge of so many young persons. I remember being 20-30 yrs old and thinking that I had it all under control and that things were either right or wrong. What I would give for that decisiveness again! Black and white was so much easier than all this gray. Help me to know what situations are being driven by immaturity and how I can help with those places by coaching or mentoring. Help me to know when a situation is just not working out and how You would have me correct that.

Lord, you know my heart; you know my soul; you know my mind and you know my strength. I would do whatever you would have me do...I just don't know what that is! In Your Son's most Holy and Precious Name, Amen.

Matthew's working it out...

Matthew is taking tennis lessons with 4 other kids at the local park and we're almost done with this set of lessons. He's doing great and wants to continue playing, but it's going to get cold soon, so we must move indoors to play. Anyway, we had a very interesting conversation tonight.

There is one other boy in the group who tends to be extremely wound-up for the lessons. So much so that his mom just leaves because she can't stand to watch. He makes Matthew crazy because when they are paired up, this other little boy (Joshua) hits the ball so high into the air that there's no way Matthew can hit it back to him. That's the background you need for this conversation.

We're in the car...
M: Joshua makes me crazy all I do is chase balls for him. (He continues for a few minutes with this same complaint.) What should I do? I don't want to hit with him.

Me: Well....is there anything in the Bible or that you've learned in Sunday School that could help?

M: Yeah, I can't wait until I get to hit to him-I'm going to hit the ball to the other end of the court! Cause Jesus said, "Do unto others as you would have them do to you." so he must WANT me to make him run.

Me: Ok that's one way to look at it. Jesus also said we must forgive each other 70 times 7 times.

M: How many is that?

Me: A lot...too many to count.

M: Hmph! I'll just count really high and then hit the ball back to him REALLY hard and REALLY high.

Me: I think what Jesus meant was that we were to forgive each other as much as He forgives us, since we're supposed to be trying to act like Jesus all the time.

M: (Sigh-very dejected) I guess I'm going to be chasing a LOT of balls, then.

Me: And getting lots of exercise - that's a good thing.

M: I guess so.

I love that Matthew is able to think through this stuff. What a hard lesson to learn and relearn and relearn and relearn! For me anyway, this is one that I continue to work on - especially with those people who do the same thing over and over and over again. I guess I'll continue to 'chase balls' with my little guy!

Perfect Timing

From time to time, we must be reminded that everything happens for a reason and that God's time table is WAY better than ours. The past month has been a lesson in that for me!

Recently, our family decided to go on a mission trip to Costa Rica with our church. The team was made up of 18 people--the youngest of whom was Matthew (8 yrs). Many of us had never been on a mission trip outside of the United States...although several of us had been on mission trips within the States. Being Matthew's first trip, both in the mission field and out of the country, I was a little anxious about 'culture shock.' So to begin the process of acclimating him to new foods, new ideas, etc. David and I decided to have him try out new foods at least 2-3 times each week. While we were really well-intentioned on this one, dinner time became a battle ground...who would cave first? Would Matthew just suck it up and eat this dish he didn't really want or would Mom and Dad cave and get him a pb&j sandwich? So, we go through this for about 6 weeks prior to the trip, sometimes he just eats (complaining the whole time, of course) and sometimes we just let him get the peanut butter. Then we get to Costa Rica, the first dish they put in front of him...gallo pinto -- rice and beans (mixed together). He hates beans, so he says, but he ate it without a peep. The next day, we have fish for lunch. He hates fish, so he says, but he eats it and LOVES it. It goes on from there with him mostly liking everything that is put in front of him. Honestly, I don't really believe that it had anything to do with David and I or the battle of dinnertime. I believe that when God was in control of the situation, Matthew was more able to be open to new things.

While we were in Costa Rica, we got to spend time with Kaylee, another member of the team. Kaylee is going into the 6th grade. More importantly, Kaylee has been a student at the same elementary school where Matthew will be attending next year. And Matthew was very nervous and anxious about this new school. However, the last night we were in Costa Rica, Matthew and I got to sit with Kaylee for dinner. Kaylee and I started talking about the elementary school and then she and Matthew began a conversation about the school. By the time dinner was over, Matthew was feeling much better about this new school. I am excited that God put someone in our path at just the right time to make this transition (or even the idea of a transition) better.

The biggest example of God's perfect timing came this past week. When David and I left our former church, we were introduced to a book, The Most Loving Place on Earth. After the first week of this study group, I found myself being led to give a copy of the book to two of our friends/leaders at our former church. I was a bit apprehensive about it...how would it look; what would they think? etc. I really didn't want to do it, but I couldn't get it out of my mind so I figured God must be trying to tell me something. So I purchased two copies, David gave one to one person and I gave my copy to another person with a note that just said, "you should take a look at this. It made my think really hard about some things." And I didn't mention it to the person again. I believed that the people we gave this book to probably just shoved into their bookcases and forgot it. But...I was wrong. Those two people read it and then apparently read it again. And this past week, another leader at the church shared that he was about to read it. The person I passed the book on to bought 30 copies to distribute to the leadership and laity of the church...because he believes that in that book there is a powerful message that everyone should hear. I don't know if they will be able to put some of the key principles into practice, but I do know that God put David and I in that study group for a reason. His timing was absolutely perfect...all we had to do was show up and take the step He asked us to!

Leaving

Christmas 1994...David and I have been in the Atlanta/Roswell area for almost 6 months and are looking for a church where we fit. After attending services at a couple of very large churches in the area, we are beginning to think we'll never find a church and will have to continue to travel back and forth to Pine Mountain, GA every weekend. I keep passing a church on the way to work each day and decide that we should try it.

It worked almost from the very first Sunday. We felt at home with the size of the congregation, I joined a Disciple Bible study class, we both liked the preacher...we decided to stay for a while. As we began to get to know people I began to feel called to work with teenagers and children and so began a LONG association with the leadership of the church. David and I became youth counselors, worked with children pretty regularly, sang in the choir, and I even agreed to chair a committee. From there David and I continued to serve at the church, becoming the Lay Leader (David) and the Director of Children's Ministries (me). Did I also mention that I also worked at the Preschool? Yep, as Director!

As we became more and more involved, the congregation became our 'family away from family.' Neither of us had family in Atlanta-some of our relatives lived farther away than others, but none were closer than 2 hours away. We were grateful that we had this group of friends/family who would support us, challenge us, celebrate with us, cry with us, pray with us and, most importantly, worship God with us. I, especially, delighted in their kids--celebrating girl/boy friends, passing tests, growing up! I grew closer and closer to the parents as we reached out to the youth at the church. I knew the struggles they were having...many times from both sides of the coin! I prayed and prayed and prayed for the parents to have the wisdom, grace and mercy necessary to be a parent and for the children to understand and to listen to their parents-to given them the benefit of the doubt.

One of the hardest decisions David and I made was to give up being youth counselors. We knew that we would be starting our family-knew that adopting Matthew was in the works...and we knew that it wouldn't be fair to the youth or to the new little person in our family to continue to try to juggle being counselors with being parents of a very small person. So David moved into more adult-centered ministry and I moved into areas of ministry that centered around children. And what a fun time we had! It was challenging, certainly-we both had to move outside of our comfort zones-but we had a church family there to hold us up and to help us out.

I did not realize then how difficult it would be to be on staff at a church. I think this holds true for any church-not just the one we attended. The constant demand to be 'at work' any time you are on campus - to be accessible all the time even though you are supposed to have time to worship, too. And the level of expectation that becomes more than any one person can ever live up to--do you tattoo "I am only a person and I am not perfect" across your forehead so that when you screw up you can remind people that you are doing the very best you can? Anyway, as I progressed into this job as Director of Children's Ministries, more and more I was feeling pulled in too many directions and going to church equalled going to work (and not in a good way). I began to pray earnestly for wisdom and the courage to see it through-wherever it took me.

Through an icky and ridiculously messy series of circumstances, David and I made the decision that I should resign my position on staff at the church, remaining in my position at the preschool. It turned out that we also decided to leave the church itself, which was not the original intent of our first decision. We thought we would try to figure it out-how to stay at the church even though I wasn't on staff anymore. But as things sometimes go, that was not to be. I look back now (it's been about 6 months) and I think we would still be at another church by this point. It might have been a little cleaner and a little more of a gracious exit, but we still would have left. Even now, it's just too hard to be there-and it's not just hard on us. It's hard on the congregation who know us and know our strengths/weaknesses. How do you say 'I'm not involved in that any longer-go ask someone else' nicely on a regular basis? But that's what it comes down to-forcing yourself to step back and allow someone else to do what God is calling them to do without your interference.

The worst part of it all is the loss of friends. I thought the idea of losing my church family would be tough (and it is), but the friendships that I fear cannot be repaired are the hardest part of it all. There are relationships there that took years to develop that I can only hope one day will be healed enough to talk about this journey. The cold shoulders and the refusal to meet my eyes hurt more than words ever could. And I am as guilty of doing it as those who are doing it to us now. I hated it when people left the congregation to move on to where they felt God was calling them to be and I didn't want even to talk to them when they'd come back for fish-fries or blood drives, etc. You know, what goes around comes around and sometimes that just sucks. I continue to pray for the opportunity to get past all this, for time to heal, for the assurance that the right decisions were made and most of all, for compassion and empathy for everyone concerned. I miss my friends-I miss the ones I thought of as family-and I grieve for that loss.

Adoption -- Getting There

This is a first for me...putting something out on the 'net that people I don't know might read. Who knows how this will go! I've named this blog "Journey" for a reason. I think of life as a journey-a constant struggle to choose the right path, make the right decisions, and follow God's plan-not mine.

This first entry is one of the biggest decisions David and I have made...bigger even (for me) than getting married. We decided to have a child and who knew what that would mean for us? That journey has been amazing and here's just a little bit of it.

I always knew I wanted a child-probably just one, but I might be good with two or three. I was terrified of actually giving birth, but wouldn't admit it to anyone. And so we got pregnant and it was very early in our marriage-only a couple of years into it, but I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. I miscarried, but I thought it was just a really bad cycle and went on with life.

Then David finished school; we moved to Atlanta; and got on with life. We were involved in church and things were pretty settled. We decided then to actually try to get pregnant. It took a little while, but as things go, I did get pregnant. And we were so excited we told everybody as soon as we knew...like 4 weeks into it or something like that. We had planned a trip to Wisconsin and off we went-only when we get there I started cramping and spotting. And did I mention we had Michael (David's brother who was 16-barely) with us? I'm terrified that things are ending and no one's around to tell us where the ER is and so David's cousin Ricky, has to go with us to the little 'doc in the box' place. They tell us there what I figure I knew by this point, the baby's gone and I'll need to check in with my dr when I get home. We headed home the next day, had to stop somewhere in Kentucky at a hospital because my cramps were so bad, finally got home and I think I lost my mind somewhere around this point. I remember being incredibly sad and feeling so bad for David, because he had the unfortunate job of telling everyone that we had lost the baby. And it was a baby at this point for us. He/She had a name and everything...I think we had even planned college.

We got through this rough patch and started trying again. It took a lot longer this time around. I had finished college and started teaching (my first year by the way) and Woo-hoo! We were pregnant again. This time we didn't tell anyone! And then I started hurting and cramping-which are different. Then spotting. Then freaking out. I went to my doctor who said I was probably going to lose the baby, come back tomorrow. Went back, he told me, 'the baby's gone. We want you to come back and do some blood work to make sure." Went back again, and my hormone levels aren't going down. He puts me in the hospital either that day or the next morning...he sees an embryo that isn't where it's supposed to be. I have surgery and when I wake up I find out that I was actually pregnant with twins...one in my uterus and one on top of my ovary. And to top all that off, they tell me "you will probably never get pregnant again."

So a year goes by...we aren't doing anything about birth control because it's almost impossible, right? Sure it is...but I get pregnant again anyway. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not a good thing, but I go to the doctor just to make sure and sure enough, there's the embryo on the other side...again NOT where it's supposed to be. This time, when they do the surgery we tell them to cut the tubes-I can't do this again, either physically or emotionally.

In the meantime, David and I have been kicking around the idea of adopting. We talked about IVF, too. We had discarded that idea because we weren't willing to spend the money to find out that my body just didn't like being pregnant. But, too, we hadn't made any firm decision about adopting because it's expensive and we wanted to be sure we could make it on one income. So after the second surgery which was in February or March, we started adoption proceedings in January of the following year. We jumped through all kinds of hoops, waded through all kinds of red tape, took psychological examinations that would make your head spin, and about 6 months later, we had the cutest little, little boy ever! Which made it all worth it!

So through all this, God was a real presence for both of us. He showed us that you could love a child who wasn't 'yours' as much or more than you could imagine. Our little guy couldn't be any more my child if he had come out of my body! And now, that time of heartache and brokenness is probably one of God's greatest gifts to us...we have friends who ended up adopting their child and we were able to 'help' them; I am constantly amazed by the people God puts in our lives who are experiencing pain with getting pregnant...I'm always there to listen and hurt with them; and now there's this opportunity to share the adoption process with other couples/families through our church. God really is more than we can ever imagine...He alone can take the bad and bring wonderful, life-changing good out of it!