This is a first for me...putting something out on the 'net that people I don't know might read. Who knows how this will go! I've named this blog "Journey" for a reason. I think of life as a journey-a constant struggle to choose the right path, make the right decisions, and follow God's plan-not mine.
This first entry is one of the biggest decisions David and I have made...bigger even (for me) than getting married. We decided to have a child and who knew what that would mean for us? That journey has been amazing and here's just a little bit of it.
I always knew I wanted a child-probably just one, but I might be good with two or three. I was terrified of actually giving birth, but wouldn't admit it to anyone. And so we got pregnant and it was very early in our marriage-only a couple of years into it, but I didn't know I was pregnant at the time. I miscarried, but I thought it was just a really bad cycle and went on with life.
Then David finished school; we moved to Atlanta; and got on with life. We were involved in church and things were pretty settled. We decided then to actually try to get pregnant. It took a little while, but as things go, I did get pregnant. And we were so excited we told everybody as soon as we knew...like 4 weeks into it or something like that. We had planned a trip to Wisconsin and off we went-only when we get there I started cramping and spotting. And did I mention we had Michael (David's brother who was 16-barely) with us? I'm terrified that things are ending and no one's around to tell us where the ER is and so David's cousin Ricky, has to go with us to the little 'doc in the box' place. They tell us there what I figure I knew by this point, the baby's gone and I'll need to check in with my dr when I get home. We headed home the next day, had to stop somewhere in Kentucky at a hospital because my cramps were so bad, finally got home and I think I lost my mind somewhere around this point. I remember being incredibly sad and feeling so bad for David, because he had the unfortunate job of telling everyone that we had lost the baby. And it was a baby at this point for us. He/She had a name and everything...I think we had even planned college.
We got through this rough patch and started trying again. It took a lot longer this time around. I had finished college and started teaching (my first year by the way) and Woo-hoo! We were pregnant again. This time we didn't tell anyone! And then I started hurting and cramping-which are different. Then spotting. Then freaking out. I went to my doctor who said I was probably going to lose the baby, come back tomorrow. Went back, he told me, 'the baby's gone. We want you to come back and do some blood work to make sure." Went back again, and my hormone levels aren't going down. He puts me in the hospital either that day or the next morning...he sees an embryo that isn't where it's supposed to be. I have surgery and when I wake up I find out that I was actually pregnant with twins...one in my uterus and one on top of my ovary. And to top all that off, they tell me "you will probably never get pregnant again."
So a year goes by...we aren't doing anything about birth control because it's almost impossible, right? Sure it is...but I get pregnant again anyway. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's not a good thing, but I go to the doctor just to make sure and sure enough, there's the embryo on the other side...again NOT where it's supposed to be. This time, when they do the surgery we tell them to cut the tubes-I can't do this again, either physically or emotionally.
In the meantime, David and I have been kicking around the idea of adopting. We talked about IVF, too. We had discarded that idea because we weren't willing to spend the money to find out that my body just didn't like being pregnant. But, too, we hadn't made any firm decision about adopting because it's expensive and we wanted to be sure we could make it on one income. So after the second surgery which was in February or March, we started adoption proceedings in January of the following year. We jumped through all kinds of hoops, waded through all kinds of red tape, took psychological examinations that would make your head spin, and about 6 months later, we had the cutest little, little boy ever! Which made it all worth it!
So through all this, God was a real presence for both of us. He showed us that you could love a child who wasn't 'yours' as much or more than you could imagine. Our little guy couldn't be any more my child if he had come out of my body! And now, that time of heartache and brokenness is probably one of God's greatest gifts to us...we have friends who ended up adopting their child and we were able to 'help' them; I am constantly amazed by the people God puts in our lives who are experiencing pain with getting pregnant...I'm always there to listen and hurt with them; and now there's this opportunity to share the adoption process with other couples/families through our church. God really is more than we can ever imagine...He alone can take the bad and bring wonderful, life-changing good out of it!
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